Seven Questions to Help You Reach Your Goals

Have you ever taken yourself through the ‘how–tos’ and ‘whys’ behind each of your goals? So often people set themselves up for failure by not considering everything it takes to achieve a challenging goal. Next time you set your ambitions high, think about answers to each of the following questions. They are designed to help you focus on your goal and gain insight on how it will impact different aspects your life.

What is My Goal?

This is (obviously) the thing you want to achieve. It needs to be tangible and focused – and ideally have a deadline. Quantify what you want and by what date. Goals like ‘lose weight’ don’t have as much impact on your behavior as ‘lose 10 pounds in six weeks.’

What Does this Mean?

Really, this is a follow–up to the first question; it ensures you have described your goal as accurately as possible. The more you can describe the achievement, the better your chance of reaching it. For example, a precise target like ‘land an IT programming position with a Fortune 100 company which allows me to work from home by August’ is a very detailed picture of what you want to achieve.

Why is it Important to Me?

Sometimes we set goals that we think should be important, but ultimately they are not that meaningful to us. Laying out why you want to reach a goal will give it significance in your mind and will help you figure out if you are pursuing this goal for your benefit or someone else’s.

How Will Things Change When I Accomplish My Goal?

Answering this question will help you visualize the impact that achieving your goal will have on your life. Perhaps your objective is to land a marketing position with a major food retailer at a salary increase of $15k. Things that might change when you reach that goal are your ability to pay off your student loan within two years or to put an additional $500 monthly toward retirement/investments.

What Does it Take to Reach My Goal?

This is the tough question – answers might be lengthy and include several action items. However, do not get discouraged! Addressing this question will put the requirements to reaching your goal in perspective. In addition, there might be other factors that you need to consider. Will you need to hire a professional coach? Pay for classes? Travel? Purchase books and other resources? Let this question help you lay out your step–by–step plan.

How Much Time Can I Put Towards Accomplishing My Goal?

Here is where reality sets in. Often people set a goal that takes a tremendous amount of time commitment without considering the demands from the rest of their life. For example, is it realistic for you to train for a marathon the same year that you are pursuing a Master’s degree and juggling a brand new baby at home? Set up a chart reflecting a typical week’s commitments (including weekends). Be sure to factor in time for your commute, sleeping hours, Timmy’s little league games, date night with your spouse, and anything else that commands your attention. From there, look at the hours you have free to dedicate to your goal and plan your time accordingly.

Who Will Help Me Reach My Goal?

Do you know someone that has ‘been there, done that’? Now is the time to leverage your network connections and call on them to ask for help with your goals. Perhaps one person will know just the right coach you can work with and another friend can put you in touch with a company looking for someone with your skill set. Addressing this question has a dual purpose –the more people that know about your ambitions, the more often you will be asked about your progress. Often, that is just the right amount of positive pressure you need to stay on track with your goals.

Dedicating time to each of these questions is not meant to deter you, but rather to help you see your target from all sides. By spending time on this exercise with each of your goals, you will be better prepared to tackle any obstacles that present themselves along the way. Good luck!

Boundaries, What Are They?

When Robert Frost said, “Good fences make good neighbors,” he was on to something. Our ability to relate to others in a healthy way depends on our awareness of not stepping aggressively into their territory—physical and psychological—and not letting them step into ours. Boundaries are protective limits that prevent abuse and unwanted liberties. They serve well to express who we are and work best when they’re based on respect for ourselves and others.

We need both external and internal boundaries to function well with the people in our lives without resentment and with integrity. They help us, too, to be discriminating about whom we allow in. Having fences and keeping them mended makes for good relationships.

What do you mean by external boundaries?

These are the easier ones-- about physical limits. We set boundaries about how closely we let others come to us and whether or not we allow them to touch us. These boundaries vary depending on how well we know and love the person. In ordinary social situations, a respectful distance of 18 inches is comfortable for most people. When we encounter a “close talker,” we find ourselves moving backward to reclaim our 18 inches. Even in elevators, if the usual distance isn’t possible, we maintain integrity by not making physical contact. We need to be aware of not invading someone else’s space and not touching someone unless they make it clear that it’s welcome.

Sexual boundaries fit into this category also. We control whether we say yes or no to the person, place, time and manner for sexual interaction and others have the same rights in regard to us. Rape would be the ultimate violation of a sexual boundary, but an overly-enthusiastic kiss of a host or hostess can also overstep the line, as well as a lascivious stare at a co-worker.

External boundaries are violated when someone steals from you or spies on you, eavesdrops on your private conversations, checks your e-mail, goes through your briefcase or your drawers, reads your journal, borrows your belongings without permission, etc.

How about internal boundaries?

These are the more challenging kind! Just like the external boundaries, there are those designed to protect us from the world and those that protect the world from us!

We impose internal boundaries on ourselves to show respect for others when we are doing the speaking. This means that we refrain from yelling and name-calling. We don’t say things that are demeaning or insulting, that ridicule or patronize, or that blame and shame. We learn to express our feelings in moderation.

We’re being respectful of others, too, when we’re discriminating about how much self-revelation we do and to whom. Sharing too much personal information with someone you don’t know well can be awkward and uncomfortable for them. They may be too polite to make that known, but if their boundaries are healthy, they may back off from us. People who ramble on, even if they’re not discussing personal issues, show a lack of respect for their listeners.

When we are the listener, our sense of boundaries is challenged even further because we can’t control the speaker, but we have to create boundaries about how we allow their words in and how we let them affect us. If speakers are exhausting with their chatter or offensive with their remarks, we can limit our time with them by making a gracious exit or we can change the subject. If they’re complaining about us personally, we want to be open enough to let in the truth, but not so vulnerable that we take in even what isn’t true.

First we can get ourselves into a safe physical position—moving to a different chair, walking to the other side of a table, holding a pillow on our laps. We want to be comfortable enough to listen with some understanding of where this person is coming from. If there’s anger, what’s below it? Are they afraid, insecure, hurt? We can listen to discover something about who this person is instead of listening with righteousness as we plan our defense. Many of us feel unfairly attacked when faced with any criticism. After all we do and how generous, hard-working and responsible we are!! How could anyone dare confront us? Especially someone who doesn’t measure up to our standards!

Even when their words are blaming, we have to maintain that internal boundary of not taking on blame. We aren’t responsible for making someone feel, think or do anything. Each of us is responsible for what we feel, think and do ourselves. But, oh how this can trigger us into a counter-attack! It takes some courage and discipline to experience the emotions this triggers and breathe our way through it without lashing out.

Another internal listening boundary that we can set for ourselves is to be objective about whether what they’re saying is really true. When arguing, many folks will say, “You always…” or, “You never…” when such a statement is rarely true. But often, there is some truth tucked into that generalization that we can be willing to evaluate. When it is true, feeling shameful and inferior isn’t going to make anything better. If the truth makes us feel guilty and fearful, we have to remind ourselves that we’re really O.K.—no better than anyone else and no worse than anyone else. We can choose to work on our failing without losing self-esteem and can actually feel better about ourselves because we are willing to try again to be a better person.

When an accusation isn’t true, we have to detach from the emotion it triggered and let it pass through us like light or shadow passes through clear glass. It doesn’t stick like a dart on a dartboard or stab our hearts like a knife. Other people have a right to their opinions and their points of view and we can respect their differences without getting defensive, angry and hurt.

Establishing boundaries is a way of living respectfully. It doesn’t mean creating a Berlin Wall that isolates and alienates. But it does mean setting healthy limits that express our reverence for other human beings and prevent the world from running roughshod over us until we resent the intrusion or abuse.

Personal Boundaries, Just Say No!

For some people saying no is far less comfortable than having a root canal. They’ll stay late at work without compensation, work through the night sewing costumes for a class play, volunteer at church on a day when they’ve already planned to do food shopping for an elderly parent and watch the grandchildren. They may agree to help a friend with a home improvement project that takes up many weekends or lend their car to someone who is careless, accident-prone and broke. Need some money? A ride? Someone to water the plants for a month? Just ask these “nice guys” or “great gals” who end up feeling overbooked, stressed and depleted!

Do you recognize yourself in this description?

Here are seven things to consider about how to respect your boundaries and say no:

• Postpone your answer. Give yourself time to think of prior commitments and how your “Yes” may impact you and others involved. You can say, “Let me check my calendar and see if that’s a possibility,” or “Let me talk that over with David and I’ll get back to you.”

• Respond with emotional neutrality. If anger and resentment surface at the time of the request, allow it to settle down before you give an answer.

• Honor that feeling of dread that arises by being honest. You can still be gracious without committing to something you’ll regret. Here’s where you can say, “I have too much on my plate right now and can’t add another commitment.”

• Be prepared for further honesty when the one making the request tries to talk you into it. When you say no, citing your busy-ness as the reason, they may want to set up something for next month. This is when you can admit, “I’d love to help you out, but I’m not comfortable doing that,” or, “I don’t want to get involved in this, but I wish you luck.”

• You don’t owe people long, detailed explanations. Saying no doesn’t necessitate a rebuke about why they’re bad and wrong for making the request. When a relative or friend is over-reliant on you because of your past support, they may be surprised or hurt by a negative response, but you don’t have to give your time, money or expertise just because you’ve given it before. And you don’t need to list the reasons why they’re unworthy because you’ve already done more than enough.

• You may suggest other possibilities that haven’t been considered—“Maybe you could try…” or “Have you thought about…” Someone else’s problems aren’t yours, so you can be supportive and offer guidance or direction without actually providing solutions.

• Maintain good will and good humor. You don’t have to be offended that someone is asking you to do or to give something. You can wish them well without feeling righteous or put upon. A request is just a request, not a command. You can be loving and generous and still say no.

The Pride Paradox

People tend to have very good opinions of themselves, have you noticed that? Coincidentally, other peoples’ opinions of them tend to be very different from their own in direct proportion to how egotistical the person is. But why is that?

Self-esteem is an interesting facet of our psyche which essentially dictates what we think of ourselves. Some people think very highly of themselves, which you would think is the smart thing to do. However, it turns out that this is not usually the case. People who think too highly of themselves are considered to have taken it too far - into the realm of being “egotistical”.

As an egotistical person, one will generally be more concerned about everything to do with oneself than anything to do with anyone else. This aggravates other people, especially if there is bragging involved. Most of the time, the annoyance comes from the fact that the person really isn’t as good and talented and muscular and intelligent and lean and sexy and healthy and successful as they claim to be.

Now things start to get complicated; even if the person is as great as they say they are, people are still put off by it. For a different reason though; bragging upsets people even when it’s not a lie. This is because they’re either jealous or they don’t care. Either way, it’s very important to keep this in mind because knowing when to stop praising yourself is a key to developing successful social relationships.

So okay, we get that bragging and thinking too highly of yourself can get you in trouble, so logically, we could assume that doing the opposite would produce favourable results. Ha, we’d be wrong. Turns out that thinking too little of yourself can also be problematic, especially when you voice it because then people get annoyed with that too. You see the paradox now.

So what can you do? Well, there is a solution. Obviously, there is a middle ground between too much and too little self-esteem. But that middle ground can be a little hard to pin-point. Here, it’s important to introduce a new term: “self-confidence”. It’s not quite the same thing in the way I’m using it because I’m using the term to describe thinking highly of yourself without verbalizing it and upsetting people.

So you can be confident in what you know to be true about yourself, without displaying that aggravating amount of insecurity by trying to make the whole world know about it as well - let your actions speak for you and let other people notice it that way. People naturally admire someone who seems to know where they’re at; someone who’s proud what they’re doing and has enough confidence in it not to be concerned with showing it off.

So be confident instead of self-centred and you will have overcome the Pride Paradox!

Ten Easy Ways to Improve Your Resume

Katharine Hansen has pointed out some important tips for improving a resume. Resume is the first thing that presents yourself for a job - it is important to get it clear and reader-friendly. Katharine suggested ten practical tips for significant improvements on your resume:

• Use a bulleted style to make your resume more reader-friendly.
• Follow “The Resume Ingredients Rule.”
• Eliminate “responsibilities” words from your resume vocabulary.
• Eliminate clutter from your resume.
• Use strong, concrete verbs to describe your jobs, and don’t mix noun and verb phrases.
• Focus on describing past job activities that highlight the skills you most like to use and want to use in your next job.
• Don’t fret about the one-page resume rule.
• Make sure your resume has a sharp focus.
• Don’t list too much experience on your resume.
• Be sure the reader will understand all the acronyms and jargon you use in your resume.

I concur on Make sure your resume has a sharp focus. When i scan candidate’s resumes, I am looking for keywords, especially objective statement or summary if they mentioned. Those will save employer’s time and able to highlight your skills or experiences in a pool of candidates.